05-15-2004 - 1:52 a.m. - one thing I'd love to know: where the fuck did all of my time go??

nineteen candles are on my cake today.

birthdays never used to make me depressed. now, however, they just remind me of how I'm getting older, and nothing is changing. I sense history repeating itself. I recognize old patterns rearing their ugly heads and in trying to avoid them, I seem to be making new, more complicated, absolutely awful decisions. the longer I stay in this town, the deeper it's familiar talons sink into my skin, and I find myself settling even though it's the last thing I want.

yesterday I went to berkeley and began the "matriculation" process at vista community college. in the assessment I was placed in genius english and dipshit math, but I expected as much. extravagant rhetoric has been my strong suit as opposed to numbers for as long as I care to remember. academically speaking, I suppose I'm just breaking even, but I wasn't planning on being a rocket scientist, either.

bottom line, I've begun to claw my way out. it's time for financial aid, motivation, proactive decisions and as much bravery as I can muster. my grandma was really the only person who insisted to me that if I wanted to do something, all it would take was determination. I don't want to doubt her now. I don't want to turn 20 in this suffocating wasteland of a forgettable tourist town. I know there's so much more out there for me, but I've realized that maybe I have to go find it, as opposed to waiting for it to come and whisk me away.

one year ago, mike and I rekindled our weird, ambiguous un-relationship. tonight was no exception. he returned from san luis obispo last week having given up on the whole "moving out" idea, and immediately began actively pursuing my affections, which was completely out of character. predictably enough for me, I welcomed him back with open yet skeptical arms, and we spent an entire afternoon making out and making cookies. I took it for what it was, non-committed cutesy fun with some tasty confections as an end result. I have no expectations for him, because he's even crazier than the batshit-nutty fucker that I've been trying to date as of late.

this evening he took me out to dinner at a hip asian joint called betelnut in san francisco, and over some divine pork potstickers, I tried my damndest to hope that maybe he really has changed as he has been insisting. I also attempted not to compare him to cole, but this proved rather impossible. I know it's wrong, and unfair, and probably utterly detestable of me to do, but I can't help it. I was here in the moment with mike, having wanted to be his only girl for so long, and all I could think about was where I'd rather be. the grass would seem to be so much greener with my schizophrenic, hot-and-cold, roller coaster boy, on a co-op couch, listening to the magnetic fields, drinking cheap beer and laughing with our legs folded over each other's. I remember the night in march when a keg party was bustling all around us in the co-op and he pulled me closer and whispered into my ear how glad he was to have met me. well, where is he now?

by the end of the night, mike reverted to his old tricks in bringing up the dreaded relationship battle issue... the "what are we, anyway?". apparently, we're still a big nothing, and he felt the need to clarify that. the "what are we?" quickly morphed into the "happy birthday, would you like to have some nice no-strings-attached sex, now?" and I felt the need to call it a night. the fact that mike and I also bumped into his ex in the park and he went literally RUNNING in the opposite direction wasn't exactly a good romance enhancer. I went home to my cat (the only constant in my life besides dieting and my cd collection), an empty house, and a tall glass of orange juice. something told me it'd be much warmer than mike's bed in the morning.

I feel like writing until my fingers bleed, but I need to rest up for whatever birthday madness I have waiting for me in mere hours.

nineteen.

is it really as pointless as it looks from here?